This is like the last public entry I made as I have now gone private (friends only)

Thankyou for your time

I can't believe I sat through this entire film! It was about a Red Neck lifestyle and involved three acts of violence towards cats, seriously I couldn't bear it. Chop somebody's head off, have sex with a corpse but anything to do with cats.. no I just can't take it. It's called Gummo incase you're curious



Grim. So grim.

I also feel sad over something but its not my business so won't say :(

I'm sorry I haven't given a review of Dublin yet, I just don't know why I couldn't push myself to do it. But I enjoyed myself so much. If it wasn't for all the amazing people I met and Muse what would have been the point? It kind made me feel at ease, yes all that tension and "beef" as we call it gets too much at times but really theres not that much wrong with it. I'm not sure if I should stay away or not. Once I have work to be doing and a job (which is top of the bill at the moment) then maybe I will. I've moved back to Derby now and I've been a bit silly today. When I was here so was Andy for a lot of the time and it feels like he should be here and he isn't :( it just made me feel sad I haven't been feeling hungry at all (yesterday I had constipation sorry for the TMI) so I just stayed in bed mainly. But I did go in town and sort out my bank accounnt and standing order so I can pay my rent, uber confusing. But yes I really need to print CVs off and start asking around, there is so many places here in Derby and not all the students are back yet so I need to get in there.

 But yeah I was supposed to go to V Festival this weekend and I'm kind of glad I didn't I have a strong feeling I would not have liked it at all. Just all that mud, mainly on my own trying to find people and a whole wankery of bands I just don't like. I know commercialism isn't my thing but it's not really by choice. Muse still rock my boat, Dead Star and Space Dementia were highly welcomed by me, I screamed as loud as I could and probably broke Andy's eardrum. And Chris on the harmonica is one of the most enchanting eye opening things I have ever seen. It led up to an amazing perfomance of Knights. So my love for them is still strong but yeah just because I like a commercial band doesn;'t mean I should love other commercial bands. Next year I want to make it to a foreign festival. I want to start seeing bands abroad more. Will update more soon xx

I'm growing extremely impatient here! Phoning taxi at two! To the airport! So I can go to Dublin! I've printed out various maps, Andy and I plan to go to Stephen's Green tomorrow before the gig. And I've now packed my bag. I only really have underwear, a spare top and a hoody besides the clothes I'm wearing along with make-up, toothbrush etc.. Don't think I need much to be honest. I cut up the David T cake so it doesn't get squashed I ate some earlier but it made me feel a bit ill so I made a nice cheese & gherkin sandwich for time to pass and it wasn't even 1pm yet! I've recieved various forms of birthday wishes, texts, birthday cards, phone calls, facebook posts and forum posts. So that has been nice. But I don't really feel 21 I mean how are you supposed to know what it feels like before you've even really experienced it? Ah well. Getting excited now hurry up 2pm please!

David Tennant in my tummy.

At everyone complaining about the board. We're such junkies aren't we? I actually joined about 5 new forums last week and only one has activated my account so that is my plan gone down the drain! It's an Alan Rickman forum and they're so serious about talking about his films rather than just talking casually. And they are films I haven't seen. Two new ones (Bottle Shock and Nobel Son) and The Search For John Gissing which has finally been released on DVD apparantly but I can't find it fucking anywhere.

Anyway so I saw The Dark Knight finally. I just want to clarify I was always interested in seeing it. It was just after I returned from America far too many people were sporting Joker Avatars/Sigs and it was like David Tennant had been locked inside a trunk and thrown into the muse dungeon. It was just a bit off putting but yeah that's what hype does I guess. Anyway my thoughts on the film. For a few years now I've avoided films of this genre and I find them difficult to get back into. So the only thing propping me up like two invisible pegs on a washing line was the Joker's performance which was nicely spread out during the film. I thought Heath Ledger did an amazing job and his performance was throwing around with your emotions. He was creating a dangerous cake mix of humour and fear together, I really liked it how his psychotic humour was somehow amusing. But that's what most movie villains are like and he was perfect. I also thought Harvey's performance after half his face got burnt up was also deliciously psychotic. So I enjoyed those parts of the films. The rest was a bit grainy and I kind of just got bored especially as it dragged on a bit. Christian Bale is an actor I cannot enjoy. I don't like his voice, the way it acts it just doesn't rub off on me well I'm not quite sure what it is.  I felt the same watching American Psycho which I thought would have been a brilliant film if I wasn't continuously wincing watching Bale. So yes I can see the film's popularity I'd give it 7/10 if we're rating.

I also did not like the service in KFC today. My mum fancied some food so we quickly popped in. She ordered what she wanted and before either me or my dad could request what we want the lady serving us butted in and said with a frown on her face "Are you having chicken?" I forgot about manners and such and said very slowly and patronisingly.. "Yeeeees" And she goes "Well you should all have the variety bucket THEN!" My mum was disgusted with her behaviour and it really bugged me. I had not come in for some woman to order me to have something I didn't initally want to order. How fucking rude I thought it was not the right way to approach customers at all and I sat there eating my chips scowling at her.

1. Florida, USA
2. Belgium
3. Dublin

Two down one to go. And of course after three days of travelling I've spent all day doing nothing really. I went to the bank earlier to have a look at my statement.. thank goodness the Gas bill hasn't been paid out yet unless it's been posted to me and I have to pay it later in the year. I really didn't get it to be honest I'm going to phone them when I get back. PayPal also paid a generous deposit of 9p. I can't withdraw Abbey's payment yet, I sold my V Festival ticket to her so once I can I can feel a bit on the safe side again. I'm glad I can listen to my head sometimes but then again my heart wasn't wholly fond on the idea either. So I'm heading back to Derby on the 17th so no rushed packing. I love that little room and wondering around the streets so I'm looking forward to going back but also to Dublin as well. I think I'm getting a bit of a soft spot for Belgium, I grew up with regular holidays to Switzerland, they aren't majorly different countries to be honest, the French part especially just minus the mountains. I really liked driving around from the passenger seat, though the freak storm kind of restricted us a bit. I'm also not happy, nobody warned me of the beasties flying around the Belgian air. I was nommed by several bugs and have many bites running up my left arm over my shoulder and onto my back. Itch fest. I rubbed some Insect Reppellent wipes on them I found in the medicine cabient but I regretted it straight away as it smelt a bit like cabbage.

Not sure what else to talk about, I can think of a few things but would render them inappropiate and maybe should save them for another time. I think far too many things to write down at once so this will do.

I'm starting to get lazy with this now. Well I am briefly going to write about the gig last night at Electric Ballroom. People in the gothic scene, mostly the females, make such an effort to dress up, really I don't know how they do it I couldn't have the patience to do it myself. Amy, Laura and I were among the more dressed down ones but of course who cares about that? It's quite a well hidden venue, quite roomy. The first support act were already playing by the time we entered the stage area (which took a while). They were very good it was hard to not start dancing, they had two drummers which made the music even catchier. The second act were a bit odd. Well the female of the band was at any rate. I think she had been copying a few others and was drowning out the music with stupid poses with a water bottle, spitting water out on people and was sporting tit tape and Combichrist hot pants. It wasn't a pretty sight and I just wanted her to leave the stage to be honest. Then Combichrist came on, I was surprised how bloody excited Laura was, was not expecting her to like this kind of music. "As long as it makes a good rave!" She says. Well this is what you'll get with Combichrist, it really isn't music to stand there and take it in as you close your eyes. They played a very good setlist. Despite not owning an album of theirs I own about 20 of their songs and thats good enough for knowing what they are playing. I recall them playing:

Shut up and Swallow
This is my rifle
Today I woke to the rain of blood
Play Dead
Without Emotions (Much to my and Amy's delight)
Get your body beat (Much to Laura's delight)
Blut Royale
Are you connected?
Possibly Bulletfuck
Two new songs
And they ended with This Shit will Fuck you Up (much to everyone's delight)

We got them to come back on after the encore, some guy next to us started off a chant. Most people were dancing and despite it being full I was surprised how much room there was. Quite strange. I loved Andy's Thrilleresque moves with a cheeky grin on his face. Very ironically cute. I'm so glad I went because I've never been to a gig like this before and it's always worth the experience. I really did love it a lot. The downside was that I wore Doc Martens and they gave me nasty blisters. The plaster has torn a few hairs out I kept yelping as I went down the stairs.

I'm also going to Belgium tomorrow. I booked a taxi for 5.20am. I'm still up and haven't packed. I hate packing. So much. My mum has given me her little hand luggage suitcase thing so I'll be wheeling that along. I have too much stuff for Andy which just won't fit in my back pack. I'm looking forward  to it though.  Bring some nice chocolate back, these American Musketeer bars are quite disgusting *throws in bin*

I think it's time I went back on medication. Dr Beary seemed mildly surprised when I told him I was taking two of the Triflu-watsits instead of three a day. So imagine his reaction if I were to stop suddenly. As well as the anti depressants which I stupidly forgot to take the prescription to the chemist and now have no clue where it is so now I only have a few left. I really shouldn't do this to myself it is important I keep taking these at least I can be a resvered, steady person, in a sense, like I should be rather than one who feels like they've gone on a mad spin and could at any moment loose control and have unpredictable bursts of unexpectant personality. I definately can't blame jet lag for this. I think I'm getting worried so I need to act now and see my doctor in Derby, tell them about my track record, give my Psychiatrist's details and ask politely for a prescription of Fluoxetine.

Tomorrow I'm going out with my mother and family friend Nigel, never mentioned him have I? Rather mental bloke, totally sane though. We're going to Pizza Express tomorrow where my sister works so dunno what shenanigans will happen there and then I'm going to ask to be dropped into town so I can buy a tie. Yes a tie. I want it for my outfit for Combichrist. Yes Combichrist. I think my friend Laura is going, I didn't know she liked that kind of thing but ever since Sophie took her to the Coven she's found anything like that groovy.

Feel sick now and feel like I need to talk to somebody and the only person (in real life) other than Andy who I tell a lot about myself is Phil but he doesn't work in August so I have no clue how I am going to see him, a bit to anxious to phone him and oh I dunno. Getting confused again needed to write something xxx

1. Florida, USA
2. Belgium
3. Dublin
One down two to go.  The return flight back was a lot quicker than I remember it being. I must have fallen asleep at some point but I had convinced myself that I couldn't for the life of me sleep on an aeroplane in that cramped atmosphere with flight attendants shoving food under your nose every few minutes. But I must have done because I only watched one film this time and the rest of the flight seemed to zoom by. The way there I watched three films and four different tv programmes. Having been up over 24 hours I got terribly jet lagged yesterday afternoon when I decided to have a rest and my tummy bug seem to play up even more so I felt dreadful. But I managed to sneak in a solid twelve hour sleep, I thought I'd feel a bit more chipper but I still feel like I've been catapulted into space and landed somewhere I don't recognise and have recieved some brain damage. I feel like I'm getting pissed off over certain things I didn't before.

But the holiday was enjoyable, most of the time, we mainly alternated between shopping, theme parks and visits to the beach. There was a lot of tackling a dreadfully humid climate and then spouts of thunderstorms, which were terrific to watch if you were at a certain height. I have 80 Dollars left which I myself think is impressive, I mainly spent my money on clothes, quite a lot actually but not all for myself. I had to go for the more zany choices such as a vibrant yellow Homer simpson shirt and a spoofy "Hairy Otter" shirt. Now I need some Euros.

I also did a lot of thinking, about my future, about an alternative life, about a fictional character I might one day base a story on. I read a book "A Spot of Bother" by Mark Hadden which was rather dissapointing compared to "A Curious Incident of the dog in the night time" the writing skills, which I don't know much about, I thought were kind of shoddy. Ok, simple is nice, but using "and" too much and describing an incident in a few words gets a bit tedious. It was also a bit depressing but I did despite this fact find it interesting and I finished it all. Which doesn't often happen.

I'm losing energy again and I'm not sure if the jet lag is too blame. I think I am growing impatient. The Half-Blood Prince trailer was somewhat impressive, I think I will enjoy certain scenes of this film but will have difficulty appreciating it as a whole which is not unsual when it comes to Harry Potter films. Anyway may get back to some reading and/or day dreaming. The computer's buzzing noise is doing my head in